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This is not a great time of year in so many
ways. It reminds me that some people in my family have decided their
religious ideas are more important than living a loving life here on
earth. That sucks. I owe so much, however, to the conversations at PFLAG
over the years, in helping me put this into an emotional perspective.
I have learned I am not alone. Families can
hurt each other- disapprove, judge, criticize, gossip- for lots of
reasons. In some ways my family takes off the pressure. Several people in
my huge extended family have married Latino or Vietnamese Americans. Some
of the younger members have lived together without being married, had
children, and generally crunched the thick layers of expectations- the
prescriptions for how to live their lives. We suspect that now those folks
are all much more okay by comparison. It makes me laugh about the human
condition. We are full of nonsense.
A year ago, after hearing from another
PFLAG mom about her coming-out letter to her family, I did the same. Far
away families create special challenges. They don't get to see our
daughter and her partner- her wife- together. They don't see that we are
just a family, and they are just a couple living their life as best they
can. There is nothing threatening or scary here.
We would have to explain to each family
member (who live 2500 miles away), and it feels overwhelming. We resent
having to do this. We think it is their problem and not ours.
Then we remember we didn't "get"
it until we had some time to learn and explore and hear and feel. We can't
fast forward others- especially if we are not willing to risk some honesty
and openness. As a mediator I ask people to do their work in good faith.
That is not exclusive to a religious context. It is about doing the best
we can in the moment to be true to the experience.
It is a gift.
And gifts can work, can be a good fit, or
they may need to be tucked away until people grow into them. I just
received two cards from family members who did not respond to my letter
last year. They can not know how it felt to wonder about them for a year.
I am glad to know they have good hearts. I believed that about them. Now I
can have my real life with them.
We all have a right to a real life every
where and with every one. To ask less of anyone is wrong. Welcome to 2008.
Let's kick it into gear! We have work to do.
Hugs,
Kathy Reim
(Kathy lives with her partner Robert-her
husband- and a beautiful Siamese cat, Chablis, who has taught her the most
about sociopaths. Their daughter and daughter-in-law have taught her about
unconditional love.)
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