Coming Out: An Overview
Some things to think about if you are thinking of coming out:
- Assess the existing level of closeness and/or conflict in the relationship. The closer you are, the more other person may try to understand and accept.
- Consider the amount of contact you have with this person. The more contact you have, the more apt they are to have a positive or at least neutral response.
- Think about the various types of support offered by this relationship-emotional, cultural, financial, spiritual, etc.-and determine the availability of other relationships in which there may be similar support.
- Analyze as best you can the benefits and risks of coming out based on the anticipated response of that individual.
- Helpful ideas to remember:
- Siblings tend to be more positive than parents.
- If the relationship was positive prior to coming out, there is even greater potential for a positive response.
- Anticipate how you would manage the situation if the person reacts negatively.
- Pick a time when the person is likely to be supportive. Try to be aware of what is going on in their lives.
- Be prepared for a wide range of reactions.
- Remember how long it has taken for you to come to terms with your orientation. They have just found out.
- If you choose to come out to someone in an authority position, find out about the confidentiality policy governing their profession. In the public schools, some counselors and teachers may be required to share information.
- Seek support from community-based resources and check out on-line coming out support resources at the:
- Human Rights Campaign Coming Out Project at
http://www.hrc.org/documents/resourceguide_co.pdf - The Institute for Welcoming Resources Coming Out Project of the National Lesbian and Gay Task Force at
http://www.welcomingresources.org/comingout.htm
- Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays at www.pflag.com
- Human Rights Campaign Coming Out Project at
Some things to think about if someone comes out to you:
The response which a person who is LGBT receives after they have come out may help them feel comfortable with their identity and make it easier for them to come out to others in the future. How you react to their disclosure of their sexual orientation or gender identity can help them out of the closet - or keep them in. Remember they probably chose to come out to you for a reason:
- They may have chosen to come out to you because you are a close friend or family member, and they want to have an honest and genuine relationship with you.
- They may feel you are a person who will be understanding and accepting, and so trust you with this very personal information.
- They may decide to come out to you before they really know you, in order to establish an honest relationship from the beginning.
- They come out to you because you are in a position to assist them with a concern, determine their access to certain resources, or address policies which impact their life.
LGBT people have told us what helps and what hurts when they make the decision to come out, especially in a family or close friend setting. Although these suggestions were developed with parents and family members of LGBT people in mind, they can be applied to a friend or anyone who cares about LGBT people:
| Do listen to what your friend’s or loved one’s life is like, and what kind of experiences they have had in the world. | Don’t insist that your morality is the right one. |
| Do take the time to seek information about the lives of LGBT people from parents of LBGT people, friends or your loved one, literature, and, most of all, directly from your friend or loved one. | Don’t blame your own feelings on your friend or loved one. |
| Do help your friend or loved one set individual goals, even though these may differ drastically from your own. | Don’t rush the process of trying to understand your loved one’s gender identity. |
| Do accept that you are responsible for your own negative reactions. | Don’t assume that your friend or loved one should see a professional counselor. |
| Do try to develop trust and openness by allowing your friend or loved one to choose their own life. | Don’t criticize your friend or loved one for being different. |
| Do defend your friend or loved one against discrimination. | Don’t discriminate against your friend or loved one. |
| Do tell your friend or loved one that you care about them as you always have. | Don’t try to break up loving relationships. |